This story is based upon the lyrics of "Little Lion Man" by Mumford & Sons. I have had this story on my mind ever since the original assigning of the task back towards the beginning of the semester and I finally got it out. Please let me know what you think. The lyrics to the song can be found here :
The way she stirred her drink, short fingernails on small hands, caressing the straw with hesitant ease, made my stomach churn with jealousy. I wanted those hands and the mind that moved them. Occasionally, she raised a hand to her mouth, touching her lips and then lowering it again. Beautiful and contemplative, her tea must have adored the chance to see her form the inside. All I could do was cry that I could not be what I wanted so much to be.
“Why?” Her voice drew me to her eyes.
“I don't have the strength.”
“You asked me to marry you and now you are backing out?”
“I guess I'm not as brave as I was at the start.” Truth of it was, I had always been a coward. Years ago, I'd asked Kaira to be my girlfriend and though I'd never been a terrible boyfriend, I had never loved her. I had taken her latter years of high school and all of her college career to where she could never look for another decent mate. I felt that I owed her marriage.
But I couldn't do it.
For nights, I have stayed up late and paced around my apartment, pulling my hair out of my skull. I cared for her but I could not marry her. I could not marry anyone. Her eyes had seduced me from the time we were young and all I wanted to do was have her on my arm. Now all I wanted was to free her from my suffocating grip.
“Why?” Her eyes bore into mine, I figured. I stared at my coffee, digging for a few dollars in my pocket.
I summed up all I had within me, scooted the coffee cup away and stood, grabbing my coat with me. “I'm sorry, Kaira. I care about you but I cannot marry you.”
“Is there someon-”
“No, Kaira. And this isn't your fault. It's mine. I am sorry that I fucked up and wasted so much of your life. I'm sorry that I'm hurting you but I simply cannot do it. I cannot.” I laid the money on the table, enough to pay for both of our drinks.
“Matt, I don't-”
“No. I know you don't understand. Please, just trust me. And please forgive me.” I really fucked up. I fucked up everything.
Outside, I sat in my car and wept. Tears flew from heart to head, tear ducts, cheeks, chin, hands. My palms once again held the pools of self-loathing that I created weekly and secretly. Kaira once broke up with me in college but I begged her not to. I was too afraid to be alone in such a large campus and I could not relate to anyone. I could never relate to anyone else. This time I would make it right and not reattach myself to her, I would give her the chance to be free. Yes, free.
I shook with fear, nerves, and possibly, for once, courage. I finally did the right thing!
And I was alone. So alone. Coming from a split family, Kaira was the only female figure in my life. And I was alone. So alone.
I had done the right thing but my tears would not stop. Alone.
A half hour later, I saw Kaira exit the cafe. I had not been able to start my own engine and now paid the price of being witness to her walk of shame. She was so alone and her shoulders slumped over in defeat. Instead of her usual stride, Kaira's feet dragged slightly. Her head still was held high but her hands gave her away. Holding on to her purse as if it was the only lifeboat in a hurricane, I saw the whiteness of her knuckles from fifty feet away. Kaira's beautiful hands were the only grips she had on reality now just like my illusions of bravery.
No, not illusions. I was doing the right thing and it required courage.
Kaira looked up, spotting my car, and I felt the waves of pain crash over me. I could not tell if it was her pain or mine.
Bam!
No, I could not return. She was free and though we hurt now, she would thank me later. I had fucked life up for her so far and I would not continue to do so. Freedom.
Bam!
I glared into her confused and surprised eyes, her hand beginning to lift to reach out to me, and yanked the keys from my pocket, slammed them into the ignition, and pulled away before she could even take two steps toward me. Alone.
I drove in the direction of my apartment, hitting red light after red light. I finally pulled over into a library's parking lot, knowing that the traffic wanted me to not drive. It was probably safer for everyone that way, anyways.
“I'm sorry, Kaira. I fucked up. I'm so sorry.” I hit my steering wheel and collapsed onto it, crying harder than before and letting my tears hit the car instead of my murky hands. It was only when I lifted my head to cry out to the Heavens in agony that I noticed the paper stuck underneath my windshield wiper. Within a few seconds, I opened the door, grabbed it, and pulled it into my car.
I know you've been stressed lately between losing your Dad, your job, and not knowing where we will find the money for our wedding, but know that I love you, I love you, a thousand times I love you. Hold on to what you believe in the light when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight.
-Your K
I moaned, screamed, slammed the paper into the wheel, and cursed the heavens. Fuck all that is life, I had fucked up. Fuck, I had fucked up. This was all my fault.
I started the car, trembling in horror, and sped away to her. I was coming, Kaira.
I kept moaning in pain, knowing I had royally fucked up everything. I had left her alone.
“Kaira!” I saw her car in her own driveway and I parked on the street, stumbling over my own feet to get to the front door. “Kaira!”
Bam! Bam! Bam!
I pounded on the door until I heard the lock turn, letting my case be heard. Kaira stood in the doorway, allowing three inches of her face to be viewed.
“What do you want?”
“I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. Please, I fucked up. I'm sorry!”
“You're damn right you did.”
“Kaira, Please. I'm just afraid. Please. None of it was your fault, it was all mine. Please. I'm sorry I hurt you, please, just let me in. I'll explain everything.”
Her eyes shifted from mine to the letter I had been squeezing unconsciously since finding it. They softened, both my dried and cracked hands and her loving eyes.
“Kaira, I love you. Please forgive me.”
“You've always loved me, Matt. You may have doubted it, but you loved me before.”
“I did, didn't I, my dear?” She let me in, no longer alone.
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